Context: The family is all dressed up for church (shocker número uno) and the kids look cute AF (not at all shocking). Going to the post-baptism BBQ, Whiskers actually held her brothers hand without screaming. She was that tired.
Squiggles: I think it looks like Whiskers and I are getting married. Because when you get married the boys are dressed like gentlemen and the girls look like ballerinas. And that’s pretty much me and Whiskers.
💗
Context: Squiggles has been lucky enough to have not experienced any kind of tragedy in his life, The Lion King and Big Hero Six aside. Now he’s in school and exposed to all sorts of realness (and a fine and proper thing – shout-out to my pops).
Squiggles: Today we learned about Terry Fox!
Me: Oh yeah? Tell me about it.
Squiggles: Well. Terry Fox used to be a human,
Me: UUUUUHHHH PARDON ME?!?!?
Squiggles: I SAID: Terry Fox used to be a human, and then they took away his leg by cutting it off, and replaced it with a robot leg.
Me: UHHHHHHHHH, so then he wasn’t human anymore?
Squiggles: No he was like an old human who became a superhero.
He’s not wrong. As per usual.
This is the same day I had to yell at grade 8s for writing Running for Harambe on their Terry Fox Run stickers. Kids don’t take shit seriously.
One of my most liked Facebook status updates was one where I, in what I will describe as a tipsy state, called my husband CinderKeelan because he had been cleaning the house like crazy. While I drank. And laughed and laughed and laughed. I’m sure I had a good excuse for not helping. Or at least an excuse. However. Today after dinner Keelan asked Squiggles if he wanted to go to the park.
Squiggles:Lets make it a family trip. You, me and Whiskers.
Keelan: And mommy.
Squiggles: No, mommy needs to stay here and do the dishes.
Me: What?!?!?
Squiggles: Its your responsibility.
I didn’t argue. It’s going to take them a lot longer to go to the park than it will take me to do the dishes. Which means at least ten minutes of the house to myself so I can do what I do best – nothing.
Who’s laughing now?
Things kids are good for:
– no need for an alarm clock any more. Because oh, you need to be up at 6:00? No worries, the 9 month old was all about trying to crawl out of her crib at 5:00, and the 3 year old really really really just needed to face time his grandparents at 5:15 (hiccup sob hiccup).
– under the couch, bed, crib? Oh that’s where all the soothers are??? Thank goodness you have a mini commando to go fetch them. Good soldier.
– do you feel like maybe you spend too much time playing Candy Crush? Never fear, somewhere you may also have a bottle of nail polish accessible, and in order to ensure you never ignore them again in favour of your phone, well let’s just paint the couch.
No context needed. Just every day of my life.
Things I have pulled out of Whiskers’ mouth recently: diapers (of the dirty variety), maple keys, hair elastics, real keys, dog food, peppercorns, Barbie shoes, play dough, people shoes (kid loves crocs and flip flops)…it never really ends. Also she just crawled into the dog kennel and is happy as a clam so I think I’ll leave her there for a bit.
Don’t side-eye me. I know I’m not the only one. She actually is like a puppy…when Keel gets home from work she excitedly crawls to the door shaking her butt and head five times faster than she normally does, Patches style.
Context: Squiggles just spent the night at my parents. As per usual he came home full of some entertaining and totally believable stories. I love it.
Squiggles: There’s no such thing as monsters. Some people are afraid of monsters. But there is no Loch Ness monster
Me: Oh that’s reassuring.
Squiggles: Yeah some people think there is a Loch Ness Monster. But they’re wrong.
Me: Oh, ok.
Squiggles: Yeah, it’s actual name is the Loch Ness Dinosaur. It’s a water dinosaur and has flippers and a long neck.
Now I really want to go watch Jurassic World again. Because dinos are awesome.
Context: Squiggles’ favourite stuffed animal is a beaver, aptly name Beav. I LITERALLY CANNOT. Everything about Beav is gutter worthy. Even when this child is having a tantrum, screaming his face off, there is nothing not funny about a 3 year old yelling “I want my beav!!!” Anyways, we went for a walk yesterday down to Pittock Dam. The kid yammered the entire way about beavers.
Squiggles: I like beavers. They are nice animals.
Me: Sure. Why do you like beavers?
Squiggles: I like to taste them. And pet them.
Me: WHAT?!?!?! You like to taste them??!?!?!
Squiggles: NO! I like to CHASE them.
Me: Oh thank God.
Squiggles: Also, Daddy says some beavers are bad so I shouldn’t touch them.
Me: Oh God. Sooooo, there’s the dam…
Seriously. It was too much for me. And sure as sh!t, didn’t we see a beaver at Burgess Park? No, we didn’t; it was actually a giant muskrat, but I let him think it was a beaver.
Confession: Sometimes I let Whiskers play in the recycling because it allows me to get more work done in the kitchen and it seems safer then letting her eat dog food and drink/drown in the dog’s dish. Don’t worry, I take the cans out and clean out the yogurt containers. But she sure does love empty Gatorade bottles…As I write this she has pulled 5 out of the recycling and is rolling around in them like Scrooge McDuck in a tower of coins.
Context: Pretty self-explanatory…driving with both kids to the Shwa.
Squiggles: Are we on the 401 or the 403?
Me: I’m impressed you remember both of those. We’re on the 401.
Squiggles: For real?
Me: Uh yeah.
Squiggles: Are you just joking?
Me: Um nope.
Squiggles: Well I don’t believe you.
Me: Why not?
Squiggles: [high pitched screaming all of a sudden] I. DO. NOT. BELIEVE. YOU. THIS. IS. THE. 4-0-1! 4-0-1!
Oh is it?!?! No kidding. Seriously no amount of Sharon, Lois and Bram can drown out the high pitched squealing of a 3 year old. I need that limo privacy window thingie. For real.
squigglesandwhiskers 